


Honest Trailers: Pillars of Eternity

by orphan_account



Category: Honest Game Trailers, Pillars of Eternity, Screen Junkies, Smosh
Genre: Censored for Comedy, Dark Comedy, Gen, Parody, Raedric Bashing, Short One Shot, Teasers & Trailers, but no worse than what's actually in the game
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-15
Updated: 2020-09-15
Packaged: 2021-03-06 19:21:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 553
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26474044
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Something I had sitting on my hard drive, and dug up so I can try out posting things here.Doesn't include The White March or Deadfire.For best results, read in an epic trailer voice.
Comments: 3
Kudos: 13





	Honest Trailers: Pillars of Eternity

EPIC VOICE GUY: _The Following Trailer is rated “H” for “Honest,” and “S”, for “Spoilers.”_

In a world where the Internet will fund your game if they get to put funny gravestones and generically badass NPCs in it, comes this mashup of classic 90’s fantasy CRPGs and Friedrich Nietzsche’s _Also Sprach Zarathustra_ …

[Title card]

_Pillars of Eternity._

If you like D&D, get ready to D&D, because this is the D&Diest game in nearly two decades, with isometric turn-based gameplay, leveling and skill points, recruiting companions, putting spells into spellbooks, a fantasy world constantly in conflict, an economy that depends upon you killing things, fetch quests, and Lots. Of. Reading. 

[Scrolls through walls of text]

(At least it lets you speed up through the backtracking, though.)

Become the Watcher, a man...woman...dwarf...cat...fire...tumor person? 

[flips through character creation with different races and kinds of godlike]

who interrupts a rave 

[shows Engwithan machine running]

and develops a bad case of ‘I see dead people.’

[classic purple “shift into spirit watching” scene] 

Investigate a crisis that _will_ give parents nightmares, in which babies are born catatonic and turn into feral blue preteens if you try to cure them.

[Scene of party fighting wichts] 

Try to unsee that _now._

Chase down clues through rioting cities,

[shows Defiance Bay riots]

Brave stretches of dangerous wilderness,

[wolves ganging up on the party],

And bullsh*t your way into a lair of murderous cultists,

[scene showing the Watcher asking nicely to borrow a cultist’s mask]

As you try to solve problems that have more than one solution and no clear-cut happy endings.

Lose your tenuous faith in humanity as you...

Kill this guy who killed a baby. 

[shows Raedric]

Kill this guy who wants to kill a baby. 

[shows Simoc]

And kill this guy who stole the souls from thousands of babies, effectively killing them.

[shows Thaos]

Yeesh. Well, at least you’re not the one killing babies, right? 

[screenshot of option to sacrifice Vela.]

Oh my…

Um…

Oooh, look, a puppy!

[Scene of the black hound following around the Watcher.]

Experience Obsidian’s morally ambiguous writing as the realistically motivated characters either make you question your sense of right and wrong, or just make you want to kill them more because they’re still awful people. 

[Raedric talks about wanting to save Gilded Vale] 

[Epic Voice Guy yells at screen:]

I don’t care how much you think you’re serving the greater good, I didn’t come all this way to _not_ kill you, you baby-murdering son of a b*tch!

Starring…

This feathered knight, 

[Pallegina’s portrait, labeled “Paladin Want a Cracker”]

This elf with a split personality, 

[Aloth's portrait, labeled “Dude Is Also A Lady”]

This psychic woman, 

[Grieving Mother's portrait, labeled “Kills You With Her Brain.”]

This farmboy turned soldier turned stoner, 

[Edér's portrait, labeled “Sir Not-DMing-In-This-Game.”]

[scene of Eder asking Zahua if giant mushroom is smokable]

Grigory Rasputin, the Mad Monk of Russia, 

[Durance's portrait, labeled “Beardy Kreia.”]

This guy who porked a panther,

[Hiravias's portrait, labeled “Furry Reminder,”]

[scene in which Hiravias discusses his carnal relations with a stelgaer]

This not-Inuit dwarf,

[Sagani's portrait, labeled “Dances with Wolves”]

And this not-Polynesian giant who sings magical songs while shooting people in the face. 

[Kana's portrait, labeled “Maui Get Your Gun.”]

[Title Card.]

_Killers of Maternity._

  
  



End file.
